Lessons from a Life of Terror

I suppose that as someone who has survived terror, my gift and message is to recognize that life is terror but life is beauty too. At first when I went through my great losses, I was angry and bitter. I thought “how could this happen to ME?!” But life doesn’t care. Life metes out terror to all. Some of us get a bigger helping than others, and before I was very unhappy about that. But now, I see how that stress has ripened me like the sun baking grapes on the vine to make them sweeter. I know that people in the grips of terror are loathe to hear that “it’s all happening for a reason,” and I understand the futility of that comment. I can only say that I have found peace in spite of the terror. Some days the whip’s sting lashes me right in the gut, and I have to metaphorically sit down for a bit. And yet, I have to get up and move forward. It sounds overly trite, I know, but life is not in the falling down but in the getting up. Life is not in the frowns, but in the smiles that dare to supplant them in the face of terror.

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The Broken Record of Human Rights Violations in Modern Society

The Broken Record of Human Rights Violations in Modern Society
Jewish people were oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to white society in the 19th century, white people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
Black people in the United States were enslaved and oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to white society, white people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
Gay people were oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to straight society, straight people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
Trans people were oppressed for centuries, kept from education and wealth through laws which forbade their integration into society. Then when they were given rights equal to cis society, cis people slandered them all as gross, ignorant, lustful, and unable to keep up with the power holders of the society.
 
The dominant group in our societies seems to always continually trip up small minorities of people and then exclaim “why do you have all of those bruises?! You must be subhuman!” Is the problem outright deception or an incredibly short memory? Or do the powerful elite need someone to point to as they hide all of their Scrooge McDuck gold out of sight? I would wager on a combination of the three.

Why Transitioning Genders has Reinforced my Belief in Gender Differences

Why Transitioning Genders has Reinforced my Belief in Gender Differences
Having transitioned genders and lived under two hormonal paradigms (testosterone dominant and estrogen dominant), I actually am a stronger believer in the inherent differences between biological men and women than I was before I transitioned. Testosterone made me much more aggressive and assertive. I was much more interested in sports, and I was more sexually dominant. Estrogen has made me much more passive and congenial, and I am more sexually submissive. I can see the difference very starkly when I switch up my hormonal medications now as well.
I suppose that most people think that trans people are here to demolish gender and create this sexless environment, but that has been far from my personal experience. I think that hormonal differences can program people to be more effective in certain jobs, and so it is unlikely that certain jobs will ever have perfect gender parity. Honestly, I see the sexes as an evolutionary adaptation that allowed for specialization of labor in order to maximize survivability in early humans. We needed certain people to specialize in being nurturers and others to specialize in being explorers and hunters.
But now technological advances have dramatically decreased the value of those specializations and normalized the difference between maleness and femaleness. We don’t need men to go out and survive the jungle to get some venison. We don’t even need men to construct things with their physical size anymore. Robots do those jobs for us now, and they will continue to take up more market share. I don’t know about the statistics, but mechanization might be replacing typically male jobs at a faster rate than typically female jobs, and this dramatic drop in the social value of maleness might be contributing to our current social freak-out.
This being said, there is still value, in my opinion, in gender specialization. I don’t foresee a totally androgynous future because certain specializations based on inherent biological/hormonal differences will provide a competitive advantage on the margins in certain situations. We need some people to be the strident, rule-breaking, transgressors and others to be nurturing, Venusian caretakers.
However, we must allow for the cross-socialization of genders for those of us who exist on the fringes of typical maleness and femaleness. Although 90% of people will probably not have issues socializing with their biological peers, others of us are very damaged by being socially deprived of our peers who might not share our genitalia but ultimately are the people we need to socialize with. This kind of social deprivation happens with minorities outside of gender minorities, and this kind of social permeability is necessary for people like myself. We need to find the balance between a certain rigidity and permeability of structures in order to allow for the greatest possible socio-psychological flourishing.
So, I’m somewhat conservative and somewhat skeptical about the coming “evaporation of gender,” so I can identify with some of the Jordan Peterson rhetoric. And yet, technology moves forward and disrupts our value structures unabatedly.
Any thoughts?

Don’t fear the bullies like Trump. Laugh at them instead.

Don’t fear the bullies like Trump. Laugh at them instead.

Don’t be destabilized by the news. That’s the aim. It is informational terrorism and bullying. Find your center and know what is right. Show no fear to the bullies, and they will run. We have a vision for a bright future, and Trump & Co. are trying to piss on that vision, but if we hold fast to that vision of inclusion, openness, and true American values, it will manifest. They might hit us, but we are beings of light inside these vulnerable bodies. The body might be damaged, but our spirits remain luminous and solar. There is no need for faith if you don’t have fear, and if you don’t fear death, you will have no existential fear. You might have small fears concerning your day to day survival, but you will be like a stone, immutable.

I was bullied from age 6. I know what it’s like to live in terror, but now I’ve learned that they are like the Wizard of OZ: “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” The technological explosion of tools of illusion has given the bullies the ability to create big and scary Wizards of OZ, but they are just that little man behind the curtain.

We are the strength. Because you have love, you are the power. To quote Chogyam Trungpa “laugh at your fears!” Laugh at the bullies. America is in a cold civil war, so the material consequences of what is going on are real, but you are not just the material. Know that material goods come and go like the tides. Detach from them and be strong.

Smile my fellow lunatics! They’ve come to take our joy, but they can take my belly laughs out of my cold, dead body. Haha 🌞

Love renewed from love unglued

Love renewed from love unglued

Oh Babylon
the kingdom comes
upon my breast
of wakened stressful hues
imbued
with what you said
when Mars invaded
leaving lovers dry, unsated
crying at the circumstance
a comic dance where fumbling ruled
I’ll hold your tender love
unglued
inside my heart

my me is you
I’m here unclothed
climb high upon my thighs and shout
this thing called us is fate’s pure clout
achieved

but then you said you must be gone
with swords drawn strong
we swung and cut
Once heroines, now vaults sealed shut

but then a root or shoot or ray
went back to her with a simple “Hey…”

I love you like the sun, my queen
I bow to kiss your cloven toes
Come dance with me again my twin
Like lanterns, we will burn and glow

Let dear death come nobly

Let dear death come nobly

Let dear death come nobly
throwing flowers, sing the air
though grim, his visage, glowing, shouts
a devil’s trine from eyes to mouth
we bow
I’ve always been his fine handmaiden
even when I walked a child
now ethers smoke where once was her
Persephone in bridal trim
I am

Come swiftly end
let null pervade
this last dance spins
the Earth’s parade

Prayer to Eris, dark queen of chaos, wanderer of the Kuiper Belt

Prayer to Eris, dark queen of chaos, wanderer of the Kuiper Belt

Oh in the name of dwarf-planet Eris, icy queen of the Plutonic Kuiper Realms, I inhale the vapors of the Libran full moon, I call on my transgender powers to end all of Western Civilization just by being, I drink from the goblet of Saint Hoffman, and I exhale…

So now that Christ is dead until Sunday and all. Since he’s indisposed, I thought I’d share without worry of shame because sometimes I really overthink my perspective, and I just need to get it out. I should probably just give a report on my life since Facebook is beseeching me to share!

It’s definitely a ride in the ol’ Yellow Submarine machine. I thank my lucky Neptune that I’m still alive, and I somehow happen to have a beautiful girlfriend too!

I’m working full time, and in school full time to become a mental health worker, so all super serioso stuff. I live in Portland, Oregon, a city that is absolutely without peer in its total inability to handle the Trump presidency without internalizing the official “the sky is falling!”, “you’re a pathetic serf,” “no gods will love you,” premise, which is the whole fucking point of the Trump “we really, really don’t like black presidents!” golden apple shitpost of a presidency. I mean, I know it’s like the perfect bait for the holy roller Luke Skywalker staring into the desert class. I get it. But, this shit is too much. Laugh people! Laugh at your captors! Gleefully squirm in their shackles.

Oh, and I work for the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality, and you know how pissed we are at everything. I’m shaking my finger at you world! My facebook post is now being edited by grammarly for appropriateness now. Goddess forbid that I mispel a word!

And right now, I’m just barfing up digital confetti because that’s the appropriate reaction to the Paleo friendly Zuckerberg stew that we’re all pigging down on. But don’t worry! Silicon Valley is disrupting our way to salvation!

But lastly, please don’t let any of this profane anti-social speech condemn my future and my children’s future to a life of bleak toil on the lunar spice mines. I need to get a license and all. Thank God I can use this phony creation called Abbey Pope, Discordo-shaman to the interweebs and total alter ego and definitely not the other girl on my resume that shall remain nameless.

Praise the giant dwarf planet asteroid dancing in the sky who conjuncted my moon as a babe. I know you will always be with me because you know, you can’t spell Aries without

oh well, you get it…

Please return to your veneration rituals to the solar zombie god.