OK, so I’ve been there. My mind has been blown. It’s epic. It’s life changing. But you are not cleared for takeoff, and if you go out and make all of these rash decisions based on that newfound awareness, there might be some consequences. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t rush out and quit your job or something, but I have done those things, and it was rough, and I don’t know if I’d do it differently, but I think that education is important. There is a reason that in indigenous communities when a young person is showing signs of shamanism (that sounds hilarious I know it), an elder shaman will come and guide that young padawan, as best as he or she can. I’m not saying I’m that person, but in modern America, where Shamanism is effectively illegal, it can be a very dangerous place for such a flowering.

About 6 years ago, I started to microdose DXM. I did it during the day, not so much as to walk around like robo-the-clown, but enough to put me into a significant consciousness shift. I was able to see what was going on in my life, and I was not very amused. I worked as a computer engineer for a large, well known software company in Los Angeles. The reason I started to use DXM was not to touch God’s balls or something, it was because I was chronically depressed and suicidal, and I heard that Ketamine was being tested as an anti-depressant, and I knew that DXM and Ketamine were very similar substances. So, I started to use a small amount throughout the day. It was very effective. I finally had some space in my head, and for whatever reason, I was still able to do my rather challenging engineering work while taking it. That was the first splosion. (Pooof!)

After a while of taking DXM regularly, I noticed that I was pretty much transgender. Well, to put it a different way, I noticed that my gender was a huge hangup for me. I had been constantly confused about my sexuality and gender presentation since I was a boy, and the microdosing DXM made these things clearer because it muted the social fear. I had my next splosion (Pooof!) and I realized that I was transgender and needed to do something about it. OK, so now we’re rolling on the life revolution train here, two splosions strong.

I kept microdosing DXM because it was seriously helping my mental health. And I was full of fire and paranoia at this point thinking that basically everyone is a sleepwalking idiot, and no one examines themselves because they’re all terrified all the time, which is kind of true, but it’s more complicated than that. My ex wife had now taken me to court for custody of my two children, and this was a torturous experience. I was trying to live my life as the gender that I felt would keep me from wanting to kill myself, and I’m very glad I got through all of this stuff. It was wonderful stuff. But my life started to unravel. I began to drink alcohol again to deal with the social alienation. I’m not going to make this into some sort of morality play about addiction, but addiction is part of my story.

Now that I’m going two splosions strong, and I’ve been rejected from most of my family, I’m able to go even deeper with the psychedelic usage, and I start using even more DXM as well as other things. At this point DXM and I started to form some sort of weird symbiosis. Its effects changed, and it became more, well it’s really hard to explain, but I started to get these weird out of body effects and my chi field started to become very strong. It pulsed and swirled and vibrated around me like I was being transported in Star Trek. Splosion 3 (Pooof!). It was so weird, and I was able to manipulate this energy field, and project the energy out like a laser. I felt as though I was receiving a cosmic download. I started to talk about it too. I tried to tell people what was going on. This did not end well. I now post anonymously and have a split life because the consequences were very severe. I was assumed to be a crazed, schizophrenic druggie. At one point I was actually possessed by a higher intelligence, and my actions and speech was controlled by what I now know to be my atman, or higher self. But at the time, it was just crazyville to everyone around me. And, you won’t have the Bhagavad Gita memorized at this point, you’ll just know that something freaky is going on, and you need to tell people about it.

At the 3 splosion level, you very well might be hospitalized or given a diagnosis. I was given bipolar disorder with psychotic effects or maybe schizoaffective disorder depending on the doctor. They started me on meds that were so toxic that I became suicidal from the side effects of the meds. My life at this point was beyond confusing. I thought I was losing it. Who could I trust? Don’t they understand that there is all this stuff they don’t know?! No, they don’t. They don’t care. The system will shut. you. down. Scientific Materialism arose out of the end of the middle ages as an “antidote” to the problems associated with mysticism and spirituality. It is masterfully efficient at killing that spark. You will not go on YouTube and create a video that will spark a revolution at the 3 splosion level. There is a Zen proverb that says “Before I sought enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers. While I sought enlightenment, the mountains were not mountains and the rivers were not rivers. After I attained enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers.” At the 3 splosion level, rivers are not rivers. Your consciousness has been blown apart and scattered, but it will come back together. This is the Shamanic journey: You are born. You grow up some. Then you realize you need to make your consciousness for your own specific life, so you blow it up and take it apart. Then you put it back together. This is rebirth. But at the 3 splosion level, you are still blowed up, and let’s just say it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to be the Plato of 2017 and change all of human consciousness with your divinely given wisdom.

OK, so back to my story. My life was fucked. I lost my kids. I quit my job because I thought it was a bunch of corporate bullshit. I transitioned genders. I moved. My family was seriously tired of dealing with me. I became dependent on a friend for shelter. I wasn’t sure if I was God or if I was a broken android who couldn’t feed itself. This was the darkness. I was in and out of hospitals for over a year. I ended up living in my car.

And then… cohesion. It happened. It happened when I had a massive suicide attempt. I took 250 toxic pills. I thought that I was going to go to God or whatever. I thought that this planet was the worst. I wrote out a suicide note.

And then I read the note back to myself. It consisted of me telling everyone how fucked up they were, and how it was all their fault. It was petty. It was petulant. I was doing a real splosion, the sad kind, that would have wreaked havoc all over my family, friends, and children’s lives forever.

I had already taken the pills at this point. I was starting to get diarrhea as my body desperately tried to reject the poison. I sat there and thought “I’m not enlightened. I’m an asshole.” And splosion 4 (pooof!).

I called 911. I got into a great inpatient treatment program. They helped me get my life back on track. I quit using all substances for like 9 months. I got a job. I learned to take care of myself. Eventually, I started using DXM again, but it’s different now. It’s just a simple consciousness booster. I quit drinking for good. I rarely smoke weed anymore. And something is different.

When I sat in that room and read that suicide note back to myself, I saw a literal demon in my belly. He’s still there. He’s my ego. He can be a real bastard. So I stopped listening to his bullshit. And when that happened, a flower bloomed in my heart. You can call it Christ, or Krishna or Buddha, but it’s there. It came that night, and it didn’t leave. I’m still a complicated person. I have to watch my behaviors, but there is a lotus in my heart now. And it throbs with kindness and joy. I have peace.

I have almost nothing materially. I’m super in debt. I live in a place with way too many roommates. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I found my peace. Now I just want to be happy and kind.

So, if anyone here is suffering through the splosions, let me know. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can’t. Love is real. It is a rose that blooms in your heart. And when it flowers you will be as a little child, forever at play.

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