The Parable of the Exploded Volcano

The Parable of the Exploded Volcano

I struggle a lot with negative self-perception. My life has kind of exploded repeatedly due to my own fiery nature. But to put it more honestly, it was self-protection that created the problem in the first place. I had to live in fear because I didn’t want to get murdered or completely rejected from society. It sounds over the top, but growing up with a strange gender is still pretty much like living under Jim Crow. I’m not a huge fan of comparing states of suffering, but it was a pretty heavy existence. There is a singular difference between racial and gender issues though. You can’t hide skin color, but you can hide gender, and I hid it mightily. I used the magical power of repression┬«! Stuff it down inside!

But in psychology it’s the opposite of physics: what goes down must come up, and I blew up like Mt. Saint Helens, all of my repressed shit since about the age of 5 rained down on those around me. It was like holding my breath for two decades, and I was literally about to die from it. I really didn’t know how to process being an exploded volcano. A good number of people thought I must be insane and just waited for me to put the top back on the caldera and apologize. But as you can guess that didn’t happen.

Being an exploded volcano has its benefits: you get to see inside yourself more clearly. When you see all of the things you ran away from and suppressed spewing out all around you, as long as you don’t go totally insane, you can learn a lot about yourself. I feel more self-aware than the average person. This isn’t to say I’m alone in this respect. I’ve surrounded myself with more self-aware people in recent years. My exploded volcano peer group.

Now I’m mightily just trying to heal. I know where I need to go. I’ve found a deep power within myself that I couldn’t ignore. The thing that I was trying to suppress all those years just happens to be my divine feminine nature. I used my overactive mind to heap mounds of obfuscating dirt on top of those pesky feminine emotions and intuitions, but the mind is not as powerful as it professes to be at killing the heart. And really I’m no different than everyone born male; all people including all men have a divine feminine sensitivity. They are taught to bury it deeply when young, and some of them keep it buried, while slowly turning into a sad shell of a person. But every now and again that volcano starts to rumble, and they’re filled with an amorphous fear that they don’t really understand but that petrifies them.

Life is more complicated and less complicated since my eruption. I had to relearn a ton of different things from a heart-centered perspective, and now I’m more visible to the haters, so I had to get used to that. But I know now that fear is the real enemy. And I know now that I am enough, blown up bits and all. I can take a deep breath and rest in the goddess knowing that I’m not fighting it anymore.

Happy exploding friends. ­čî×

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Live according to your true will and the universe will raise mountains beneath you

Live according to your true will and the universe will raise mountains beneath you

Nothing reduces to single factors like so many want life to. The mind is a wheel of mutually arising possibilities. Yeah that might be more complicated, but what’s more complicated is trying to live according to a fairy tale notion of simplicity that is obsessed with singular root causes. This applies to people and personalities too. Some people are drivers, some people are riders, some people are sages, some people are artists. Very few are all of these things. Everyone will be all things at some point thousands of lives from now, but right now it’s best to find your individual purpose and true will and accept your limitations instead of lusting after the lie that “Everyone should do these 8 things!!” Modern materialistic science wants to reduce everyone to fundamental and universal factors, but then we just end up with a lowest common denominator society.

A Few Words

A Few Words
God gave you a left hand and a right hand. On one side there are things that happen to you and you’re the victim or receptive or yin. On the other side, you are the actor, the thinker, the yang. You can’t reduce it to one. It’s both, well at least both. I’m not that smart enough to know how many hands reality has. But you can’t say that you’re a total victim, and you can’t say that you’re a total egotistical controller. We’re all both in varying degrees. So can we please meet in the center? Can we have a mosh pit of love and understanding. I know that some people are “unrelatable” but people change. I used to be a frothing right winger. I grew up. Let’s all stop being total know-it-alls that are completely convinced that the other side is wrong. Certainty is poison. There is no certainty in a complicated system of oppositional actors. Humility, Please?!
By the way, WTF is wrong with you Donald Trump. I’m talking to you as one of those horrible trannies that you want to cleanse out of the military. (BTW, only we can say tranny. Don’t fucking say it if you’re not a tranny.) Grow the fuck up motherfucker! Simmer down my brother. You’re not fucking Christ. Lord. The amount of intellectual certainty in this budding Aquarian Age is just too much. Yeah, we kind of know things because of science, but science is wrong every day.
OK I feel better. It’s such a fucking disaster. Center. Breath. Ground. Know that you’re a dumb ass ape. Life is work.
I’m drunk, but hey, I can write a few words.

We are one life, nobody knows what’s going on, and that’s why it’s so exciting

We are one life, nobody knows what’s going on, and that’s why it’s so exciting

Life is elementally exciting. It has always been. One of the oldest tricks in the book is to try and convince your neighbor that you’ve seen something before or that life has been tamed, but it always surprises. The thing that makes life interesting is that life is self-destructive. We’re eating each other and being eaten in a giant destructive orgy of immeasurable combination and emasculation. We’re in the soup. The soup is us. And it’s getting soupier. We are all one life. You were never really born. You were a sperm that got whittled off of your antecedent being that was whittled off of its antecedent being going back billions of years. No one alive has ever died. We are one giant, non-local, spongiform blob of DNA, plasma, bone, and intention that is undulating on a rock in space and getting a tan. We’re here, we’re sphere, and who the fuck knows what is going to happen next.

Oh, well, there’s some ambulatory speck of us over there that says that they have it all figured out. You should probably trust that speck.

The tragedy and hope of confronting suicide and mental health

The tragedy and hope of confronting suicide and mental health

I grew up listening to Chris Cornell’s music as most other 90’s teenagers did. He was able to easily evince a feeling of sensitive yet aggressive angst with operatic bravura. This ability most likely came from his own struggles with mental health and personal darkness.

I understand what it’s like to be artistic and depressive. I’ve been suicidal for long periods of my life. I’m not suicidal now and haven’t been since January of 2016 when I sort of figured out how to exist in my darkness. It’s work. Daily work. Artists and sensitives have to deal with their environment, and America as a country is very dark. America tries to wear this ridiculous, happy mask to try and convince the world that it’s “so happy!!!” However us sensitives get to swim in the darkness, seeing the realness that others might be able to ignore.

There is relief of mental health troubles, but overcoming these struggles requires the best in us. I’ve found ancient Zen and Taoist concepts of letting go, nothingness, and peace to help me cope. I’ve also found solace in the passion and suffering of Jesus although I’m definitely not a mainstream Christian by any measure. I also use modern mental health techniques like dialectical behavioral therapy to address my anxieties and extreme emotions. I try and use a holistic and whole body approach to tackling mental health concerns, and I believe I’ve found a modicum of success in this respect.

I don’t really blame people for committing suicide because it’s a tough row to hoe, but I definitely think it is a tragic error that tends to amplify your suffering onto other people. I’ve come to see suicide as “self murder,” and I believe that murder is not really helpful in most if not all circumstances. Through this re-framing of concept, I’ve been able to take the romanticism out of my old obsessions with suicide. Mental health concerns challenge us to radically confront ourselves, and this is often a most precipitous mountain to scale.

But I want to say that there are other climbers on this mountain willing to help you if you reach out for help, which is my final point: always reach out for help. If you humble yourself and say “I just can’t figure out how to live,” most likely someone will be there to help you, and often this act of letting go can free us from the notion that we have to fix everything ourselves.

For transgender day of invisibility, I Zeronom, wait, it’s visibility?? Oh how boring!

For transgender day of invisibility, I Zeronom, wait, it’s visibility?? Oh how boring!

Hi I’m Zeronom. It’s Transgender Day of Visibility, and I happen to be classified as a transgender person in our society. It’s not who I am. I am a spirit that has manifested in this lifetime to enjoy planet Earth. My gender expression, or the style by which I communicate is what it is. I don’t really know what I am. I know that I am something, and then that there is whole lot of ignorance.

I do know that from a young age, I really wanted to be friends with the other humans that were called girls. I wanted to act like them. I wanted to be expressive and dance around and sing and be fun. I didn’t know what boy or girl was until I learned that I wasn’t doing “boy” the right way, and therefore I was gay, queer, a faggot, etc. It was an attempt by society to split me and my friends apart into acceptable and unacceptable categories so as to split us up and make us easier to manage and manipulate.

We tell our young boys that they are acting “too girly” so to instruct them on what is the proper and correct way to be a man. This seems on the surface to be a logical extension of a system of ethics, and many Americans see this idea of what is the “right way to be male” as inherently tied into moral and religious issues like whether or not someone is reliable or friendly or helpful or dangerous. But gender is not what most people think it is. Gender is mostly just a sophisticated form of style.

When I get excited about something, I tend to be vocal, and expressive in a physical manner. I might be very talkative or vulnerable in my expression. This is just me. It’s not male or female or whatever. We create those categories, and we as a society say “we should have two genders and not four” or “real men don’t express themselves that way.” The individual people are wavy and dark, and the strictures and codes that we put on ourselves collectively are bright and straight, and the more curvy among us are constantly scraping up against these arbitrary old fashioned concepts.

It’s not that I as a transgender person wants to destroy gender. No, I just desire an upgrade for gender. Gender is currently an 8-bit concept, and we want at least some Nintendo 64 Gender action up in this place already.

When a person is born as a biological female, chromosomally female so as to speak, and they say “I want to have short hair, I want to wear pants, and I don’t want to wear makeup,” they are tolerated. When a person is born as biological male, chromosomally male so as to speak, and they say “I want to wear a dress, I want to put on makeup during the day, and I want to be very expressive with with my mannerisms,” they are shamed to the deepest part of hell and their lives are physically threatened constantly. There are definitely places where this is not true, but it is still the average truth of America.

I’m not ashamed. I love myself. I’m so happy to be me. I hope we can get along. Because I’m here, and most of us are here just to be friendly and help keep this boat above water.

You’re just swinging. Have fun. Don’t worry.

You’re just swinging. Have fun. Don’t worry.

The most important spiritual principle you can learn is that spirituality is ultimately pointless. You are a child on a swing set swinging from heaven to hell and back again, and having the time of your eternal life. Hell gets just so scary that you want to go back to heaven again, and then heaven gets so boring that you want to jump into the fire again. Repeat. Repeat. Laugh. Repeat. If you want to go to heaven, give up on Earth. But Earth is not evil. It’s just forgetting that you are really an angel because you got absolutely tired of that.